Gold Star - An Exclusive Club

The past few weeks I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my situation as a Gold Star dad. It seems like there are a lot of activities that "cater" to the Gold Star families; i.e dinners, parades, memorials and the like. My son, Captain Lowell T (Tommy) Miller II, a career National Guard Officer as many know was Killed by a sniper in Iskandrayiah, Iraq August 31, 2005.

The past 6+ years have been a roll-a-coaster of emotions. Tommy was doing what he loved and died doing it. How many can do that. He knew what the cost could be; really he did. He stated about four months before he was killed when someone called him a hero, that being a hero could call for sudden consequences.

Linda and I have three children all who have served and still serving. These three didn't start serving until they had completed college, which I paid a major part of the cost.

Jennie the oldest has a BS in Biology and a few minors. She is a Hospital Corpsman Chief Petty Officer in the USNR with 14 years in. Jennie did a two year deployment to Landsthul Germany at the Army Regional Medical Center where she met wounded arriving from the war zones and helped with their care so they could be transported back to hospitals in the US.

Tommy has a BS in Electrical Engineering with a minor in Mathematics. The year prior to his tour in Iraq, he was assigned to the Peace Keeping mission at Sh arm El sheik, Egypt. He was co-ordinater for border security after 9/11 at the Sioux and Port Huron until the federal agents were trained and relieved the National Guard.

Patrick (Capt US Army) has a BS in Political Science, went to Valparaiso School of Law, has a Master's Degree in Middle Eastern Studies from Naval Post Graduate School, is an Arab linguist and is currently pursuing another Master's Degree in Human Geography at Oregon University in Eugene, Oregon. When he completes this course of study (2013) he is already ordered to West Point to teach. Patrick has also served in Iraq and was wounded and spent four days in the hospital in Mosul.
Tommy left his two daughters, Dani and Alex at the young ages of 7 and 11 respectively.
Patrick has a daughter Isabella and a son Kenyon Thomas (called Tommy).
Jennie has never married and has never been serious about that.

Linda (wife) has really had a hard time with the loss of her son and still does. She does not like going to Gold Star or any other memorial events that only open the wound of loss. She goes to these because I do and have felt "obligated". A lot of the focus many times is on a few individuals and when there are lots of families there is little time to mingle, with too little time to know people. Many times I go away thinking why was I there? I have been to other fallen funerals just to honor them and their families. I have always tried to never make it about me and my grief. The ones who are present at these events get their fallen mentioned and sometimes we introduce ourselves and who our fallen hero is. I wonder because of the other's grief, do they really "care" about mine......of course they do...only they don't in the same way.

Sometimes these events conflict with other activities and you end up having to choose.
This is why I have decided not to put Linda through more wound opening and concentrate on my children and grandchildren. Most parents of fallen are younger than we are and that is primarily most of them have lost a child not long after they have graduated from high school. My children are career or parallel career military..Jennie has 14 years, Tommy would have had 17 years and Patrick has 12 years and if you add that with my service our family has a total of over 63 years service.

I'm thankful that we had Tommy for 35 years that he left us with good memories. But memories are something that his girls will not have. I remember on our way to the funeral home Alex at 7 said, " I can't remember what daddy looks like." How can you choose your "druthers"? Is it better for a fallen soldier not to be married and no children or is it better to leave a spouse and children along with parents etc.? I know when I look at my granddaughters, I see Tommy and I am glad for that, but how do you ease their hurt. I know their hurt is deeper than mine. There are about 2500 kids in this same sorority. I don't know if there is different grief of sons versus daughters. I do know that my two missed a lot of daddy daughter events in school and it grieved me to know that I could not be a substitute of their daddy.

Tommy once told me that it wasn't about him; it was the mission. I wish you could have known him. He was always in honor of the Vietnam Veterans and especially the POW/MIA's. He was so upset that more wasn't being done for the Vietnam Vets and to find the MIA's. I have seen him shed tears over this.

Other than the memorial garden in our front yard and in our hearts there is no memorial exclusive for him (that I know of) . His name and rank is however on  a lot of memorial in Michigan, Mississippi, Virginia and Washington DC. Of these we had nothing to do with except the one on the Memorial Wall at Virginia Military Institute (Class of '93) which they did but asked for my input on the wording on the plaque..We were invited to his 15 year class Reunion at VMI and were treated like royalty. His High School honored him in a program in a Requiem for the Dead at a local church in 2007. We leave those who knew him, served with him  to speak for him......and they do that so well...Thank you all.

From this day forward, I will not be attending these events where I feel so alone and the hurt starts over. I hope I'm not looked down on as not being inclusive but everyone has to do what they have to do. I don't want to discuss this and I will continue to remember all the other fallen that whose families I have known. Families who probably we would never crossed paths with; except for the common bond of loss. I want to be a friend with each as a friend and not because of our common loss but because I would have been a friend under different circumstances. I love each and I pray often for the same. I know that I have Hope in Christ and compared with eternity, this time is a vapor. I have to continue to live for the living and never forget a son who was so special, but I know I will be reunited with him when it is time.